This one for that one!

Think on this one... I did.

What if you were a mother and you were forced to have an abortion and you have a child now and he grew up to be highly disrespectful to you and have no sense of love connection towards you... you find your self asking GOD why did the other one get taken instead of the one you have now... hmmmm what would you think.

I found myself asking myself such a question and even in a moment wishing for such. Why?

I reflect upon my son. Neither has he found respect nor in his hearts love for mother; love for me.

He has cursed the day I gave birth and even wished me dead... a fiery death... no one better... a slow painful death. Even in that moment he told me not to worry, because I will go to heaven. My heart is heavy at a time when the world is celebrating a son... Mary's son... GOD's son.

I often find myself wondering if my child would have been a rapper like his brother and sister or a singer like his sister or inventor like his brother? It saddens me that I have to conjure in me, thoughts of my son switching places with my dead child stole from my womb due to a Dr.'s negligence.

I am saddened that I would think such an irrational thing as this... what can he do or say that can turn my heart so cold?

But then I fill my self with the thoughts of the times when this son has rescued me from a fatal attraction filled stalker: his step dad. I think of the times when he gets money he splits it with me. I think of the times when my heart warmed over the day I finally had him... OH the joy none can replace.

I love my son and my heart hurts and is filled with sadness and pain to know he can call up these emotions and feelings.

Life deals us blows from all corners of the winds wings it is up to us to find the joy in it. Although my cards were majority red and my good years were few... I find it in my heart to love those I call family; even when they forget that I am Mother, Sister, Cousin, Daughter and even friend.

I hope the more I find some love within myself; The more I find love on the outside of me and life on the outside of me will reflect that.

The Positive Attraction Factor

All that I am is the fullness of what I have created. If there is room for complaint than it is I whom I shall look to complain about. Why then do I look outward for that to be found inside?

I am in full awareness of the attraction in which I have called upon myself.

I find myself in a bed with a wounded back; feeling as though I am out of alignment. I am. In the spiritual and the natural. You see here of late I have not been aware of my surrounding; front or rear. I was in a rear end collision. My past has come to kick me in the back... spiritually of course.

I have experienced thoughts that were not in alignment of my desire. In my fear I have wished for things to collide or be forced forward or into a situation of pain and injury... mentally or spiritually.

You see many speak of an escrow account in the spiritual terrain. That escrow is filled with all our desires; good, bad and ugly or beautiful. The few talk of the bad or ugly if anyone does. Fact is for every thought there is life. Not some thoughts but every thought comes to life. That is why the prophets of old said be careful of what you wish for... it may come true... looking into the word "may" implying permission to move or happen.

I am in remembrance of all the ill wishes placed upon the escrow table from the passing thoughts of my mind. Thoughts were short and quick in comparison of the thoughts of my desire I have placed upon the same table. These thoughts have manifested; leaving me in a state of confusion, hurt and wonderment. I wonder why it is so easy for negativity to manifest and positivity has to work to produce. In relation to what I have been taught concerning negativity.

I look at positive and negative polarity... Positive polarity is dark characters on a light background; negative polarity is light characters on a dark background.

My GOODNESS I think we have had this all backwards and that is why the manifestation of positivity rules!

We really want to think negative. Truth be told we are thinking positive much more than we are thinking negative. That is why we manifest this things we speak of as negativity; yet we call unto us positivity... darkness into our light. We must call unto us LIGHT upon our darkness. That is the true desire.

I find myself in an epiphany... for those who do not know. I am a receiver... From Anu and Amen Gods of Afar. The have given me writings. In those writing I was told "Negative is Positive". I did not know what that ment and for a year I search the Internet to get the meaning. Tonight I am at AHHA!

How then shall I program myself to think negative and speak such. I most surely have to reprogram as Anu said "Change your speech".

I shall ponder further on this and get back to you... Negatively speaking.

HE IS...

I was in search of HE. I have found the HE that completes me. Although many may say "not so much".

He is all that I am in desire of. I am just conflicted and torn by his direction in life; not his LIFE (living in full enjoyment).

I called him my earth; for he is the foundation on which I stand firm. I called him my strength; because in my weakest hour he has moved mountains, even when I was in the way. I called him my lover;because he made my heart sing in ways most have imagined as many have desired. I called him king; because he is leader of nations and ruler of many, emotionally and intellectually. I called him lord; because he is head and guide in his firm actions and humble persuasiveness. I called him god; because he walks daily in his higher SELF. I called him friend; because he opened his home of heart, to give me free reign and room to grow. I called him mine with pride; because he stood by my side even in my confusion and inner conflict.

He has a drive that is set to one directions: multiple-wifery. I have driven down this road of his and walked a many a miles on his route. Am I the best he has IDK or IDC. All I know is, this road, although may have it's perks for many and shunned by quite the few; for me has been a travel of growth and a challenging experience. I have tried to stay the course. I am not the quitter I have opted in to being. Yet my feet are tired; as am I.

I want to walk alone hand in hand with him. I want to be his heart and soul; as he is mine. I want to be his sunshine; as he is mine. I want to be his all in all inside of happiness; as he is mine. I want to be his source of joy in his day; as he is mine. I want to light up his world with a smile; as he does mine. I want my kisses to be his jump-start to each day; as his are mine. I want to bring warmth to his heart and soul with just my presence; as he does mine.

He is my anchor, rock, strength, joy, galaxy, love, heart, peace, and happiness and without him I am incomplete. He is the man that completes me; although together without the oneness of the creator, we are not complete. He may beg to differ; IDK.

It has been in my longing to be his all and all; that goes against all and all he represents or desires. I realize all that I am lacking, he fills. He is the yin to my yang; the light to my darkness; the warmth on a cold winter's night; my water to quench my thirst.

YES HE IS!!! ALL THAT! How do I seperate the two and yet live. I can do neither alone. Were are the 2 that = 1.

It saddens me that he cannot see that he is that He that completes the She in me.

A Mother's Hand

As my mother is here visiting, I realize that I miss her hand in mine.

It is a mother's hand that keeps us standing tall and upright not to fall. It is a mother's hand that instill discipline when we stray... although it is a mothers hand that keep us guided not to stray nor sway from the path laid, even the one prayed for us to follow from day one till gone.

It is a mother's touch that keeps us in a secure state in our youth. It is surely a mother' hug that eases the pain of misunderstanding of many a trials. It is her hand that pulls us up when we refuse to move forward; for she knows... this too shall pass.

It is a mother's hand that dresses us for the cold weather that awaits beyond her doors. It is her hand that is stretched wide as her arms extends to puck you up with pride. Not that she misses you while you were away; but that you are in her presence once again this day. Now don't get me wrong... she does miss you while your out of her site. She sits and wonders if she got it right.

Did she push you hard enough? Did she hold you close enough? Did she squeeze you tight enough. Did she spank you hard enough to make you walk the path straight and narrow or was she too hard that sent out bitter arrows? Did she lift you high enough for you to see the world that awaits? Did she show you the starts are yours for the choosing?Did she point out that there is no mountain that you cannot climb. Did she hold you in her arms and whisper "go and possess the land for it is your... your father gave it to you"? Did she pat your head when you rested and say "if you don't know I love you it is because you don't want to know... I show you every day"?

Mine did and I miss her hand in mine and I miss her hand that pushes me forward. But most of all I miss her hugs that ends a day. I miss her hand in every way.

Yes I am grown as many may say... never to old for a mother's hand; not today!

Today I celebrate my mother and her hand in my life. (ps... yes that is my mother)

The Positive Attraction Factor

All that I am is the fullness of what I have created. If there is room for complaint than it is I whom I shall look to complain about. Why then do I look outward for that to be found inside?

I am in full awareness of the attraction in which I have called upon myself.

I find myself in a bed with a wounded back; feeling as though I am out of alignment. I am. In the spiritual and the natural. You see here of late I have not been aware of my surrounding; front or rear. I was in a rear end collision. My past has come to kick me in the back... spiritually of course.

I have experienced thoughts that were not in alignment of my desire. In my fear I have wished for things to collide or be forced forward or into a situation of pain and injury... mentally or spiritually.

You see many speak of an escrow account in the spiritual terrain. That escrow is filled with all our desires; good, bad and ugly or beautiful. The few talk of the bad or ugly if anyone does. Fact is for every thought there is life. Not some thoughts but every thought comes to life. That is why the prophets of old said be careful of what you wish for... it may come true... looking into the word "may" implying permittion to move or happen.

I am in rememberance of all the ill wishes placed upon the escrow table from the passing thoughts of my mind. Thought short and quick in comparrison of the thoughts of desire I have placed upon the same table. These thought have manifested leaving me in a state of confusion, hurt and wonderment. I wonder why it is so easy for negativity to manifest and positivity has to work to produce.

I look at positive and negative polarity... Positive polarity is dark characters on a light background; negative polarity is light characters on a dark background.

My GOODNESS I think we have had this all backwards and that is why the manifestation of positivity rules!

We really want to think negative. Truth be told we are thinking positive much more than we are thinking negative. That is why we manifest this thing we speak of as negativty as we call unto us positivity... darkness into our light.

I find myself in an epiphany... for those who do not know. I am a reciever... From Anu and Amen Gods of Afar. The have given me writings. In those writing I was told "Negative is Positive". I did not know what that ment and for a year I search the internet to ge the meaning. Tonight I am at AHHA!

How then shall I program myself to think negative and speak such. I most surely have to reprogram as Anu said "Change your speach".

I shall ponder further on this and get back to you... Negatively speaking.

Nothingness That Surrounds Us All

The nothingness that surrounds us all is so vast that it is suffocating, yet so empty it leaves me thirsty as is the ALL.

Walking In the Perfection of Today

I choose to use walking as a way to meditate and find peace within the fullness of who I am.
I enjoy the alone time that I may refresh the connection with the fullness of the I AM of the universe.

The I AM is the ALL that surrounds us all. Within it lies destiny. Within destiny lies creation. Within creation lies wisdom. Within wisdom lies knowledge. Through knowledge we are allowed experience. In experience we are afforded the use of the agreements set in place by the rulers of the ages; those that operate outside of time. Time being the source that binds man within the walls of life in the physical aspect. Without time we would not call unto ourselves purpose. Without purpose we would encourage diverseness; yet without diversity we would not activate self or ego. Without ego we would not set forth challenge. Without challenge we would not activate growth. Without growth we would not begin to experience. Without experience this life would be null. In knowing that; I have to fill up on the fullness of experiencing him (the supreme being) as I am reminded of the agreement of ALL.

Many of us do not know of or we choose to ignore the agreements set forth before our arrival; yet they are set. I choose to set my mind upon the agreements as well as take the time to appreciate the manifestations of such agreements.

As I walk; I acknowledge that I am thank-full of the order that lies therein this universe. I am thank-full of the love that exists which allows me to take part in experiencing this life. I am full of thanksgiving, as I lift my heart up to that from which I came and that which has chosen me to communicate the secrets of the universe. I am appreciative that Anu and Amen has spoken through me in my writings. I am grateful of the energy that Amen has moved through me.

It is in this mode of appreciation I find my solace. I realized on yesterday I was thought to be only afforded a life consisting of 29 years... I am 44 so this is more than a blessing it is working on a double portion. As for me... each and every day is a perfect gift.

Today I celebrate that perfect gift called today. It is my will that I may enjoy it to its fullest.

Reap What You Sow... Yeah RIGHT!

Who ever said you reap what you so had things confused or he was not a farmer! Why do I say this? Look into seed. This is the basis of reaping. What is planted to return unto the planter during harvest time. Now.

I plant a corn kernel I get stalks of corn. So really, you get a different product and 100 fold harvest. In reality you get a new creation that is found in the seed itself. You get that memberance of that which it came from; but you have to work to find that replica of the seed planted. In reference to corn...you have to remove the husk... the protective layer. You have to shuck the stalk of the hairs that cover the outer layer of the corn on the stalk. You then have to dry the stalk in order to pluck the seed. It is then and only then you reap what you sow.

So many of us have a misconception of harvest time and reaping time. Many of us want a quick harvest and even few of us want to spend the quality time to reap that which is sown.

Today I celebrate the reaping of that which is sown.

Paul,

How soon we forget or turn a blind eye!

I am an instructor of “Effective Black Parenting”.

In this program we teach that although people (White America) don’t want to accept or acknowledge it… slavery still has a bit of residue in the African America community; as well as the effects of after slavery lynching and beating of the immediate past.

Fact is… It was your slave owners that tore the families apart and shipped the male out of the plantation let alone the home. It has a profound and lasting impression on our culture. It still is not acceptable for the black male to be a strong force in it’s community. Clearly there is still a conspiracy against the black male to not be allowed to have a decent education or be a strong force in the work place.

It is not spoken about that in the educational system; majority of black males are labeled unruly and unable to be taught in kindergarten. It is also well known that the judicial system in cahoots with the educational system, make a point to direct our sons toward the prison environment. More schools report daily to police systems about black children then they do on white children. Whites get more breaks or leniency. But outside of that, we are left not to our own devices; yet yours.

We come from a culture of multiple wifery and polygamy. We are not honored or allowed this. Our culture has been stomped out and deemed unworthy to acknowledge or uphold. Yet you honor gay rights. It won’t be until America as a whole acknowledge, mend, renew and reteach our children our ways our culture unbiasedly; but that would take Africa’s help.

Africa can be of help because many of our people are confused that by going back to Africa everything will be fine but that's a misnomer b/c Africans are everywhere; it is about teaching, regrouping and accepting the culture as equal to not less than. Africans here and abroad should be mindful of such; especially African born in America of slave descent.
It will take the same governmental force to remove the stigma it placed upon the black male; in order for the black woman to be able to relinquish the headship back to her counterpart.

I realize that, as a Caucasian male, you will never understand this battle or crime that has taken place upon the whole African American people. If your foundation was removed from you and you were forced to abhor to mine at all cost… you too would be left confused and bewildered to who you are. You too would not be stable or have a sense of loyalty to your nation, woman, family or seed. If you were beaten to take on my ways or submit your manhood to me; you too would be bitter, angry and wondering in nature.

Thank your god; you do not have to experience such a crime upon your nation, such as that the Caucasians have conflicted and continue to conflict upon other people, nations, and races. It is the “American way to force your ways upon the masses.

Let Me BREATHE

I am a black mother, single parent of 4.

Do you recall how single parenting resulted in America? Willy Lynch ring a bell. Did you not watch Larry King live when he aired Tyler Perry this year... he said thrice..."It has been said that the black female is the strongest individual figure in America"?

It is known that the African American woman, get the tail end of recognition; but she is not the problem. She is the axis that hold the black community together; even in her degradation, being demoralized, raped, abuse, used, walked upon, slain and used as a mother to white America's children as they suckled her breast. But now, you have a problem with her. Your white children sucking up her seed from the black man, killing themselves with skin cancer through tanning, turning the country brown and we can't figure out where their children's ancestry lines start or finish. Very seldom do you find the black woman in the homes as wife of white men; yet they sneak n creep with them day and night. We were used as breeding machines, milking stations, and bed post by white America... but shhhhh no one will write, talk or apologize for that! Back in the day... white children died young... it was our breast milk that kept them alive!

Lets not mention, it was our sons that won the House of Representative and the US Senate on 5 years after slavery and white America stole that too!

I am woman...Black woman. Get off our backs! Stand on your own your own two feet!

Where would America be if it weren't for the black woman.

Appreciation is due! Let us not even bring up... OUR land that was left in wills of white slave masters were stolen from us, our mules or the 40 acres; so there is no wonder thieves rule America!!!

I AM A STRONG BLACK WOMAN of African/Navajo decent born in America in bloody waters... Let me breathe and leave my sons alone.

Rise on your own moment and see where we all end up.

An Unconventional Home I,ve Built

For me, home that has been defined by standards set of the masses, has eluded me or I it. As I seek for the joys of unity of the whole, I and I alone has found myself without. Who is there to place blame upon; but Self or myself? No one.

For it is I. Am I not the creator of my domicile? Yes! I alone have created this unconventional thing called my HOME= House of Meager existence.

Many come through and appreciate the fullness there of and express the desires to be apart; by calling me the most highest badge of honor: Mama. Although this title has been taken for granted; those of us who know and realize the greatness of a stranger's call understand the fullness it brings.

My door has been revolving to the hungry, the sadden, the lost, strayed and/or betrayed. I have held my hand out the lift up, coast along, or to shield pain of those persons who have for whatever the reason chosen me as that one, who makes a difference in their lives. Oh how many have entered and exited these walls taking their morsel and leaving a trace of love. No one can tell you how comforting and self fulfilling this has become.

This home in which I have cultivated and manifested, is a place of solace, comfort and care; although those looking in from the outside many have called it chaotic. Many would deem it disorderly and not enough discipline. One may even find that those on the inside differ in their opinions of the status. I contend, in this home there lies hope, love and desire; even a longing for greater, better, truth, caring, trials, triumphs, victories and knowing that we are ever forgiving, ever changing and ever evovleing into greatness we were destined to be.

I also contend this is a grand house and it's walls are unalterable for it was built on a foundation of hope. This home I built with not an example, no assistance, lack of direction has stood the test of time.

I celebrate today this house and the magic it has harnessed over time to sustain the elements of each day. I celebrate the renewing called today and I honor the allowance of opportunity called tomorrow.

I ask who shall judge this home? Lest they have studied it's walls and found it's secrets of resiliency within; shall they stand in confrontation or expectation therein.

Reap What You Sow... Yeah Right!

Who ever said you reap what you so had things confused or he was not a farmer! Why do I say this? Look into seed. This is the basis of reaping. What is planted to return unto the planter during harvest time. Now.

I plant a corn kernel I get stalks of corn. So really, you get a different product and 100 fold harvest. In reality you get a new creation that is found in the seed itself. You get that memberance of that which it came from; but you have to work to find that replica of the seed planted. In reference to corn...you have to remove the husk... the protective layer. You have to shuck the stalk of the hairs that cover the outer layer of the corn on the stalk. You then have to dry the stalk in order to pluck the seed. It is then and only then you reap what you sow.

So many of us have a misconception of harvest time and reaping time. Many of us want a quick harvest and even few of us want to spend the quality time to reap that which is sown.

Today I celebrate the reaping of that which is sown.

UNDEFINED Standards

Here of late I have been in this nit picky mode and I really do not know why.

I have been acting like nothing anyone does is right or will be satisfactory to my standards. What standards? You know, the ones that are undefined and misrepresented to the ones you love and/or communicate with.

Now don't act like I am the only one who lives and operates under those standards.

The truth of the matter is I get caught up in the perfection of pleasing the one that I loose sight of the whole. I know this is not beneficial to the fullness of togetherness in the long run. How not? Well even though many would think that pleasing that one in you life, would and should stand first and foremost in a woman's life. To that, I say you are correct; just not right.

Well I have the pleasure of shacking as they say with the magi I love. We also have the privilege of merging our families. Yes I know what you are thinking... what does he have to work for or look forward to if he got all of me now? Good question? No answer from over here.

I find that though I am trying to make our living arrangement work; I am failing. Why? Because I have turned any one who is not in sync with what he desires; the villain, enemy, culprit, or just plain wrong and in the way. It does not matter who it is.

Well as you can see... that don't work. The kids think I am crazy. They feel they can't move, breath or live without me nit picking with them. He even thinks I am off my rocker. Why? Because this is trickling down and overflowing into our relationship. We have been at each other's throats night and day for a while now; too long for both of us. It is even to the verge of calling it quits.

What am I to do?

My desire is to some way, some how; create an environment of harmonic flow. I do realize we have a great flow when I am not in full force mode and end up hurting us. Our flow is like no other I have been with. It is slow, smooth, still, melodic, turbulent and swift; Yet it is perfect.

I realize if you don't have standards, don't pretend you do. I you desire standards... activate some. But first and foremost... define them and inform others of what they are so that all minds and hearts are clear of what is being asked and required.

Today I celebrate the acquiring of known and defined; by me!

Z

Caught Empty Handed

I ran into this guy that hurt me to the very core of my being; about 15 years ago at the supermarket today. Yeah I know; it has been a long time to be speaking on what he did. Thing is, I had no contact with him in the aforementioned time frame. I had no opportunity to be confronted before now.

He greeted me with wide eyes and and aura of excitement of looking upon me; once again. At first glance, I did not recognize him. It wasn't until he went to hug me and the fell of his touch, that I felt the rising up of familiar. I gently pulled back.

The first flood of emotions was fear for my daughter who was with me. I didn't want to alert her of my apprehension of furthering the conversation. I didn't want her to know he hurt me. Then he blurts out "I am preaching now". I froze. Then I hurriedly moved to the door of the supermarket; explaining to him I was leaving. I was hoping he would get the picture and walk away. He kept trying to hold the conversation. He even offered up the desire for me to come visit him at his church.

Later...

As I sat quietly; I began to stew. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of betrayal of myself. I should have done something. I should have confronted him for touching me, talking to me, and surely for suggesting I visit him. But I did nothing. I began to hear a voice saying softly... "Your healed". I let it pass as quickly and quietly as it came. I wondered what was wrong with me. Hey maybe I was forgiving him or maybe I was still afraid. Was it, I was a weak minded coward like before?

I chose to seek council with the Traveler.

How do you know if your operating in forgiveness or fear? Two key factors that the Traveler pointed out was... forgiveness it intentional and they feel different. My first mind was to beg the differ. But I stilled myself and questioned self. I found that I could not have forgiven I had no intention to ever forgive. I found I was not cowering to the thought of him hurting me. I probed further. I did not like the feeling that rose up in me. I had to escape self.

I went for a run on the track. Then I walked around and round till I could stand to listen from within. I argued " Your crazy for real. Don't you think he deserves a punishing. I know you don't think he should just get away with it." I found myself with no justification of the lack of action or desire to act. I heard that subtle voice say again "Your healed". Wow. Could it be that I have no emotion or reaction because I am no longer in pain? Now that has got to be irrational to any person.

I woke up this morning saying "yes I am healed". But my rational mind wanted to be angry and justified in that anger.Then I realized there is no need for revenge, anger, or any type of justifiable negative energy. I am truly healed of this pain and many of the pains of my past. This was the biggest test.

In my search of self, I was caught empty handed of the most sought after emotion: anger.

Z

Listen Care Fully

I will listen care fully to those I love, the whispers of the ALL Source and sweet melodies of the inhabitants of the earth.

I will care to listen fully not just selectively.

I will fully care in my listening.

Today I celebrate the will to listen care-fully!

Sunny Side Up

As I awaken out of the slumber by the glaring commitment of the sun; i stretch and rise. I am reminded of the laws of the universe. I am made once again aware of the law of attraction. That which you set your mind to you shall achieve. What soever a man thinketh, does that ring a bell?

My first thought was that the sun is set to a committed schedule I can count on. Why am I not committed on a schedule of my life? Creating a business or designing a life's plan requires dedication and commitment. I have activated the desire, the will, the know-how, the plan but I have failed at the commitment.

I once was told that if I ever wanted to truly know the answer to life's questions look around and see creation. My question the other day was "what am I doing wrong or not doing?", as I walked the track. My aswer came out of my slumber... commitment; the lack there of.

Today I shall ponder upon the sun. I shall bask in it's commitment to the universe. Today I see the example of the sun as I set it up above the minor mishaps of the day.

Today I celebrate the sunny side of life as I rise up out of the slumber of existance. Today as I rise I commit to my intentional participation in LIFE!

Caught Empty Handed

I ran into this guy that hurt me to the very core of my being; about 15 years ago at the supermarket. Yeah I know; it has been a long time to be speaking on what he did. Thing is, I had no contact with him in the aforementioned time frame. I had no opportunity to be confronted before now.

He greeted me with wide eyes and and aura of excitement of looking upon me; once again. At first glance, I did not recognize him. It wasn’t until he went to hug me and the fell of his touch, that I felt the rising up of familiar. I gently pulled back.

The first flood of emotions was fear for my daughter who was with me. I didn’t want to alert her of my apprehension of furthering the conversation. I didn’t want her to know he hurt me. Then he blurts out “I am preaching now”. I froze. Then I hurriedly moved to the door of the supermarket; explaining to him I was leaving. I was hoping he would get the picture and walk away. He kept trying to hold the conversation. He even offered up the desire for me to come visit him at his church.

Later…

As I sat quietly; I began to stew. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of betrayal of myself. I should have done something. I should have confronted him for touching me, talking to me, and surely for suggesting I visit him. But I did nothing. I began to hear a voice saying softly… “Your healed”. I let it pass as quickly and quietly as it came. I wondered what was wrong with me. Hey maybe I was forgiving him or maybe I was still afraid. Was it, I was a weak minded coward like before?

I chose to seek council with the Traveler.

How do you know if your operating in forgiveness or fear? Two key factors that the Traveler pointed out was… forgiveness it intentional and they feel different. My first mind was to beg the differ. But I stilled myself and questioned self. I found that I could not have forgiven I had no intention to ever forgive. I found I was not cowering to the thought of him hurting me. I probed further. I did not like the feeling that rose up in me. I had to escape self.

I went for a run on the track. Then I walked around and round till I could stand to listen from within. I argued ” Your crazy for real. Don’t you think he deserves a punishing. I know you don’t think he should just get away with it.” I found myself with no justification of the lack of action or desire to act. I heard that subtle voice say again “Your healed”. Wow. Could it be that I have no emotion or reaction because I am no longer in pain? Now that has got to be irrational to any person.

I woke up this morning saying “yes I am healed”. But my rational mind wanted to be angry and justified in that anger.Then I realized there is no need for revenge, anger, or any type of justifiable negative energy. I am truly healed of this pain and many of the pains of my past. This was the biggest test.

In my search of self, I was caught empty handed of the most sought after emotion: anger.

Z

Turning my Back on those I love... ONE by ONE!

Time has come to turn the proverbial turn on the ones I love. Enough is past enough. I am just wrung through the wringer and I have nothing left to squeeze out of me. The more I hold on the more I have to let go.

I am so turn off by the pull n tug that is going on in my life. Why the hell do I have to choose the landing spot of my love. WHY in the hell do people be so selfish to think that they have to have all or nothing? Why do people feel that they have to down someone in order to be first? People are so starved for power they have to pull the power from another.

What would make a man feel it is OK to tell a mother anything derogatory, debilitating, humiliating or even degrading about her child; male that is. What is this battle that goes on between men when they come into a woman's life; they do all they can to deject that male child or all the children. What the hell is up with that. Oh but I am ever so criticized for not understanding this process at forty. I am so stating that I am aloof to this thought process. Then men wonder why that male child rises up to his mother for allowing this negative behavior in favor of lust or love. Then oh yes I am faced not only loosing one, yet two.

What is my motivation to hold to either?

Z

Fear of Success... the reality of it.

I am faced with the need to do some self probing. I am at an invisible wall of fear as they say. I am dumbfounded as to the reasoning or event the fact that I am frozen. I am frozen; not able to advance nor retreat.

I must question myself. Have I given up? Have I sat down? Have I just stopped or paused in the journey. Has anything frighten me? Has anything blocked me? What do I see. What is really going on? What is it really that has me here? I feel these are the legitimate questioning that needs to take place in order for me advancement or retreat if needed.

As I begin to probe within; an eeriness overwhelms me. I get knotted up in my stomach. Why? I do not like this feeling. I don't feel that I have given up on my dreams or wants. I may have in fact sat down; don't know why or for how long. I feel I am at the ledge and cannot lift my feet to jump, sail or walk off. I feel a hole inside that is causing me to be nauseous or think I am. I don't know how to muster up enough courage to push through. Don't know if I feel like it. I am wondering if it is because, I know there are others depending upon me. Is it because I feel when I need someone there is no one to depend on. Am I trying not to be able to help? This is all crazy but real questions I ask myself.

When I get up and get the answers I'll let you know.

Reason for Deletions.

For those who have visited the moments thus far... Thank you for your support.

I chose to delete some previous entries due to the change in the direction of these moments brought to a greater perspective of LIFE.

Oh NO! I am not straying from TRUTH, nor am I redirecting it. Just changing the direction of the relaying of my moments.

Enjoyment, enlightenment, enrichment and fulfillment is my goal. As I awaken to the fullness of my reflective abilities to dissect that which called "I AM" that I AM that dwells within me; I am empowered to display that truth in a different format.

It is my desire that you partake with an open mind, allowing my perception of My Moments come alive.

Azima

FREE through LOVE!

I must stop evaluating love and continue to experience, receive, enjoy and express that LOVE!

For truly if I add, subtract or measure, I shall remove the purity of ALL.!

I SHALL ALLOW LOVE TO BE!

How many time have I found myself evaluating how I am showed love or even worse how I show love? Far too many.

I found myself empty handed of the manual of this feeling, emotional roller-coaster, expression, dynamic and unobtainable thing called LOVE. I am continually amazed at the fact that although we know not what it truly looks like, feels like, or are aware of it's presence; mankind aspires to possess love.

You see at 43 someone may think I should know the proper actions or exibits of this nature's phenomena. I have mastered a many of things yet this one eludes me. I continually find myself empty handed and yet full of the complexity of heart thrusting moments it produces. These moments; some have been breathtaking in auspiciousness as well as heart wrenching in wonderment of not delivering the fullness of thought. I am joyed, humbled, outraged, cowered, and euphoric all in this same conjectuer.

I live in the love for another. I breath the love of another, yet I struggle with the power of that love over powering my ability to conjour up proper judgement. I battle with that emotional state that love soem how produces whims of jealousy, fear, passion, hunger and emptiness along side the fullness of joy, elatement, and happiness that is immeasurable.

I battle with the immature child that seems to creap up at the most inoppertune time and embarasses me as well as causes a set back (one would say) and encourages detatchment via aludement or desertion. Is it emabrassment? No. It is fear or betraying self. It is fear of inadiquacies. It is fear of uncontrollable thirst. It is fear of hunger over powering rational. It is cowardly to now allow the LOVE in all it's aspect to FLOW!

I must be FREE: Free to experience, Free to recieve, Free enjoy, but mostly free to express that love. It can not be given to me!

For it is I that is in control... BY MY ALLOWING THE LOVE TO BE... I AM FREE!

Azima

He shall journey abroad the flat and highland of America; leaving me behind.

Blog… 1/20/09

A child of mother Africa has risen as king: a lion of Judah. What an honorable admirable moment to see in a lifetime that which was deemed impossible. United States of America has an African born in America as president: Barak Obama. It is a memorable aspiration of roots rising to be the tree that has stood beside still waters of endurance, resilience, perseverance and determination.
Today marks a monumental embarkation of change. I first must look within. Not realizing the significance of the day I rose with thoughts of my not standing by the king governing the FUCAN tribe: Mukhtar. I began to be humbled by the realness of the moment of a resounding yes; to his call. A chosen one to go within himself to sojourn and reposition himself to a leadership stance; he begins his quest and journey. I, as in my selfishness; do not wish to be separated from the lion that governs me, keeps me secure, provide my warmth, holds me accountable, binds me in truth, awakens my happiness and assist in the molding and mending in order to promote my growth: the love of my life, father to my unborn babies. Yet I was moved to set self aside and release my fears unto the cup of curiosity.
Reflecting back upon the words herd in the days of recent past; I began to appreciate this country’s first African born in America first lady: Michelle Obama. I was told that she did not sit well with the first onset of President Obama’s desire to run for senator of Illinois. Yet she set self aside for Selflessness and moved into alignment with her lion of Judah; I too am moved to do so. This is the true and significant example of submission as well as the signs of creation of what can happen when a woman stands behind her man.
Mukhtar’s journey: the generosity tour shall not only be the catalyst of change in his life but also the catalyst of observation of endurance in my life. Will I be able to stand as wife, woman, counter-part, help-meet, and mother in his absence or will I faint into the dogmas of thoughts of abandonment, betrayal, of deception of separation; all of which can in appearance be justified and realized. I have, after the first initial information of the onset of the generosity tour, been flooded with rants of waves of emotions thereby signaling to him; I am not in alignment to his desires or calling, I am not willing to move in blind faith of his abilities of harmless and responsible choices, I am pulling away, and I am unhappy with him and his decisions.
I am pregnant. After becoming aware of this opportunity to be an open vessel to the energy desiring to use me as a portal, I was /am ecstatic to be chosen as well as him being the chosen one; as father. I have created in my mind upon onset of this delight-filled journey, the joys that shall be shared simultaneously between him and me; concerning the child within. The bonding of father and child energetic forces was among the hopeful moments to share. This will be a 4 month journey. I feel that I and this wonderful creation of unity, are being robbed of moments of laughter, slumbering moments intertwined as one, hugs of radiation of energy, the transferring of vibration energy; and the radiant tremors of the vibration of a voice of authority; his to us. As I exhale the thought of missed moments of anew; I await the unexamined moments of a morrow un-trodden. This in fact will be a testament to my faith, as well as our love that dwells deep within.
Looking into the mirror of my soul and facing myself; I dare to stand and examine the truth. I want him to find that which is meant to be discovered and uncovered, making room and notice for America anew. I do want him to conquer this quest and endure this journey. I do not fear his safety, yet mine. I question my sense of insecurity; finding myself well secured, only frothed with loneliness amidst the monist of anticipated severance cloaked in separation. My imbalanced thoughts of abandonment lurk in the hindmost of my mind. I am quickened to stand in the assurance of a love built through enduring the creative efforts of change; a change that was not implemented by either, yet wonderfully manifested itself out of the perseverance and grasp of a commitment to the oneness of togetherness. As I put my request for him to return in time to be the first touch to the child/children within on their entrance to earth day.
I can but won’t try to imagine the thoughts of an extraordinary woman when her man traveled across the nation on the journey toward supremacy. I dare to compare my plight to hers. The enormity of weight; the same to me

What can we expect to change???

It is clear that cattle cannot be considered people. Why then would Africans Born in America, begin to think they are humanized in the minds of Whites who once owned them as such cattle?

It concerns me that we live in a facade; that this country which was built upon the backs, bones, heads, dead bodies, raped mothers, mutilated fathers, pride stripped brothers, and divided sisters would even think to amount to equality to those who have belittled them.

What is the solution?

Hummm...

When I was a child and another child hit me; I was taught to hit back.

Now as an adult... I am teaching my children to turn the other cheek? What is this Christos or message? Turning the other cheek that the Christ spoke of was turning to the face the opponent and looking him in the eye and giving him the opportunity to approach someone that is on guard; which is rarely done. Many afflict pain, trod down upon the helpless, hopeless, and harmless and stand with a pride filled arrogance of a soldier. I beg to differ. How much power does it take to elevate themselves over the weak, lame, useless, the nothingness of those you claim to be the lesser? A minuscule glimmer of pride is all it takes for a person to consider in their reality that they stand as the greater one.
Truth is there is no evidence of superiority dwelling within the genetic makeup of whites over other races. Take a look into the sports arenas; where African Americans are dominant, prominent and great.

Where and when will the Africans born in America begin to realize this and walk in the true authority that descended upon them from above? When will they re-member themselves with the ancestral kingdom in which they were robbed of; as it was with Moses. When will someone rise up and say “LET MY PEOPLE GO”. When will they rise and be the queens they are and separate themselves with the mind washing of their previous owners?
When will White America stop ruling with an iron clad barbaric hand of fear? When will they stop dominating out of a warped sense of “I am better” “I am lord over all the earth”; mentality.
Why are the rest of the world held subject to a murderous, brutal den of thieveries and individuals?

How do we get on GAURD as Africans born in America? How do we truly defend ourselves?

What truly would it look like if ALL AFRICANS BORN IN AMERICA stood up and walked off OUR post, jobs, and shut down our companies and filled the highways and byways blocking traffic: like the Hispanics did? What impact would happen to this economy for real if we did not shop a whole week? What changes would they see and how would they come to respect the proverbial cattle they consider us as?

Would they pay us our MULES and give us our LAND we have a right to: reciprocity or reparations?
Wow. Comes to mind as the thought is overtaken from within.
Ooops back to reality…
Peace is not working.
Burning business is not a solution.
Passive aggression is not working.
I remember the KKK had a way… should we try that???
Get some black sheets and lynch a few cops? Hhhmmmm.
OH but that too is mimicry at this point? Not so much?.
Sound right reasoning says…
Extreme measures need to taken upon during these extreme crises.
CHANGE IS NEEDED!