This one for that one!

Think on this one... I did.

What if you were a mother and you were forced to have an abortion and you have a child now and he grew up to be highly disrespectful to you and have no sense of love connection towards you... you find your self asking GOD why did the other one get taken instead of the one you have now... hmmmm what would you think.

I found myself asking myself such a question and even in a moment wishing for such. Why?

I reflect upon my son. Neither has he found respect nor in his hearts love for mother; love for me.

He has cursed the day I gave birth and even wished me dead... a fiery death... no one better... a slow painful death. Even in that moment he told me not to worry, because I will go to heaven. My heart is heavy at a time when the world is celebrating a son... Mary's son... GOD's son.

I often find myself wondering if my child would have been a rapper like his brother and sister or a singer like his sister or inventor like his brother? It saddens me that I have to conjure in me, thoughts of my son switching places with my dead child stole from my womb due to a Dr.'s negligence.

I am saddened that I would think such an irrational thing as this... what can he do or say that can turn my heart so cold?

But then I fill my self with the thoughts of the times when this son has rescued me from a fatal attraction filled stalker: his step dad. I think of the times when he gets money he splits it with me. I think of the times when my heart warmed over the day I finally had him... OH the joy none can replace.

I love my son and my heart hurts and is filled with sadness and pain to know he can call up these emotions and feelings.

Life deals us blows from all corners of the winds wings it is up to us to find the joy in it. Although my cards were majority red and my good years were few... I find it in my heart to love those I call family; even when they forget that I am Mother, Sister, Cousin, Daughter and even friend.

I hope the more I find some love within myself; The more I find love on the outside of me and life on the outside of me will reflect that.