Caught Empty Handed

I ran into this guy that hurt me to the very core of my being; about 15 years ago at the supermarket. Yeah I know; it has been a long time to be speaking on what he did. Thing is, I had no contact with him in the aforementioned time frame. I had no opportunity to be confronted before now.

He greeted me with wide eyes and and aura of excitement of looking upon me; once again. At first glance, I did not recognize him. It wasn’t until he went to hug me and the fell of his touch, that I felt the rising up of familiar. I gently pulled back.

The first flood of emotions was fear for my daughter who was with me. I didn’t want to alert her of my apprehension of furthering the conversation. I didn’t want her to know he hurt me. Then he blurts out “I am preaching now”. I froze. Then I hurriedly moved to the door of the supermarket; explaining to him I was leaving. I was hoping he would get the picture and walk away. He kept trying to hold the conversation. He even offered up the desire for me to come visit him at his church.

Later…

As I sat quietly; I began to stew. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of betrayal of myself. I should have done something. I should have confronted him for touching me, talking to me, and surely for suggesting I visit him. But I did nothing. I began to hear a voice saying softly… “Your healed”. I let it pass as quickly and quietly as it came. I wondered what was wrong with me. Hey maybe I was forgiving him or maybe I was still afraid. Was it, I was a weak minded coward like before?

I chose to seek council with the Traveler.

How do you know if your operating in forgiveness or fear? Two key factors that the Traveler pointed out was… forgiveness it intentional and they feel different. My first mind was to beg the differ. But I stilled myself and questioned self. I found that I could not have forgiven I had no intention to ever forgive. I found I was not cowering to the thought of him hurting me. I probed further. I did not like the feeling that rose up in me. I had to escape self.

I went for a run on the track. Then I walked around and round till I could stand to listen from within. I argued ” Your crazy for real. Don’t you think he deserves a punishing. I know you don’t think he should just get away with it.” I found myself with no justification of the lack of action or desire to act. I heard that subtle voice say again “Your healed”. Wow. Could it be that I have no emotion or reaction because I am no longer in pain? Now that has got to be irrational to any person.

I woke up this morning saying “yes I am healed”. But my rational mind wanted to be angry and justified in that anger.Then I realized there is no need for revenge, anger, or any type of justifiable negative energy. I am truly healed of this pain and many of the pains of my past. This was the biggest test.

In my search of self, I was caught empty handed of the most sought after emotion: anger.

Z